Happiness at last. A study of humanity. OR I'M F**KING CRAZY
While this might belong in the Sadness and inspiration thread. That really never gets a point across as it's easily messed with by ignorant boobs. This probably will. But let me get my point across. Then judge and really see if you can understand where I'm coming from. This is a message board after all. And a time when I see a videogame/music(I'm referring to other places of course I wouldn't like talking about music anymore. Too much hatin').
Story: It all starts back at the age of 7 years old. I start noticing weight growth. At the time. A fake sense of happiness. So for years I appeared to be happy. But with a few moments of exploding on myself and always blaming myself. Which I found myself doing after hearing from a guidance counselor that I probably led to myself getting picked on. And in some ways I did. But that still inevitably kept adding more pressure as time went on. My depression and hurt had built up so much from my past. Brief states of my mind forced to a sudden feeling to relive moments that have plagued me kept getting stronger. Creating a strong desire to change them
So what is a guy to do? Well. I'm not an expert and since everyone is different. It's hard to really just generalize all of these weird test results to have an answer. While yes. I'm taking anti-depressants for depression. I do have VERY strong social anxiety issues that kept getting worse and worse. But thankfully there are always answers to problems.
1) Solve the problem.
Keep trying to solve problems. Keep asking people if there is an answer. The more questions you ask the more answers you get( just make sure it isn't annoying I had to learn that the hard way and took it personally)
2) Change your relationship and or perspective to the problem.
I kept focusing on other peoples' problems to ever focus on my own. I hoped that being the guy people could rely on would get me somewhere. I tried to be a friend to those who treated me like **** and none of those kind feelings would be returned. So really. I learned I don't have to ****ing help these sons of *****es get anything. That only makes their egos worse if I keep feeding into the fact they feel they can make me their ***** to take advantage of and succeed while I get left in the dust. DO NOT TRY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T RESPECT/LIKE YOU AT ALL. It makes you feel worthless after awhile. Or immediately depending on how huge the ******* is.
3) Accept/Tolerate the Problem
Hopefully any remaining problems can be tolerated. I've been forced to not be able to get a job or to really feel I can get much done. Honestly it can be hard. And all I can say is. Know who your support system lies. It's odd. But I've been able to oddly feel better with people joking around on the internet. It's kinda helped me to develop somewhat of a sense of humor and changed some parts of my personality for the better. In a sad way this is my support. I can be anonymous yet friendly. I can be the biggest ass in the world and no one can really hold me to it unless I get banned for doing something stupid( Which I don't intend anytime soon). So it's easy to really just do this. Unfortunately if you are like me if you have a ****ed up financial position, sick parent, disabled sister, and a ****ed up family in general. It's hard to tolerate. But it seems patience really leads to these problems getting some progress. And progress is GOOD. No matter how minimal it seems. It's change after all.
4) Stay miserable
You can do nothing to help yourself and stay miserable. This is easiest thing to do. I did it to the point where I'd just stay in my room all day. Pretending and actually fooling myself that I'm sick so I can stay away from the misery that is school. To stay away from the judgmental *******s where I can be home all day. Grab ****ty food and have things feel easy in life and that I have some control. This is an easy escape but it makes things.
After getting help. Going to mental health section of the hospital. Eventually becoming a outpatient to a program for about 4 weeks. Has taught me that I'm not as alone as I thought. I learned while yes we were there for the same reasons. And while we may all have different stories. The same reasons still bonded us. And I got along and felt comfortable with everyone. And I learned image isn't the problem at all. I still saw people who needed help were preps, goths, punks, metalheads, jocks, and etc. There is no image/label that can be associated with mental problems( even with emo. Which isn't even really real anymore). And after going through this. I still felt something missing. Like there is something still holding me back.
So today. I watch the NBA Finals. Rooting for the Celtics. Hoping that Kevin Garnett can get the title he's been working for so hard for. And looking at him play. And the autograph he wrote for me that says "To Zach: Stay Cool. KG" Simple. Yes. But in a weird way true. I've gone through some ****ed up **** and and to have someone tell me that a guy like me is cool means something to me. And especially seeing the Celtics win the finals. And the reaction of KG. Seeing him excited feeling like he's accomplished one of his life goals( which it was obv.). Made me feel that anything is really possible. He tried SO HARD for many years with a team that kept falling short where he was the star player. And then. Joining a new team and accomplishing something so epic. Made me feel that it isn't over for me. Or for anyone else.
While yes. You might see an average kid who likes Family Guy and quotes it constantly who progresses in life( Yes I'm talking to you JEMdev). Gets a girlfriend. But in the lesson that Abe Lincoln has taught us. Ugly/Underdogs do get things eventually. The Giants did it with the Super Bowl. The same thing can happen with anyone. Eventually they'll look at themselves in the mirror and see how ugly they've become and they realize how much they really don't deserve anything. Sometimes it's easy because being a teenager leads to you generalize things that make things seem easy to feel that way. Honestly. I know that all of those kind of kids are ****ed up on drugs and will get what they deserve one day( of course I'm hoping they don't die I would never wish that on someone).
So lessons I've learned from all these really make me feel better. I don't how. I mean I definitely feel positive. And feel in control. That I used the power I felt I had to **** around with my mom and draw a penis on her face. Mean? Yes. Did I have fun doing that? Sickly enough, yes. Parts of my mind haven't developed to know really what will come from this. So I say. If you need help. Don't be such a *****. Get the help you need dammit. Prolonging it makes it worse. I've had to keep my hurt inside for around 8 years. And I finally feel happy. While most likely when my mom looks in the mirror and sees a penis drawn in eyeliner on her face( and hopefully doesn't go out in the middle of the night going grocery shopping out of the blue like she might...if she does...oh god I'm ****ed).
But again sickly enough. I can't feel bad about it. Sure my mom has extreme exhaustion to the point where she can fall asleep at nearly anytime( she fell 7 times while I tried to guide her to her bed. And hit her face about 3-4 times is not a fun thing to watch but in some weird way. It couldn't bring me down. While I wish I could keep going on. I need sleep too.
Good night. Reply with thoughts. Discuss problems you see in this. Or with yourselves. I want this thread to be about progress. While I can easily see this being redirected to the sadness and inspiration thread. This thread is about trying to solve the sadness. The sadness and inspiration is just a thread to talk about it and be sad and not leaving those sadning feelings go. Well. Good night again. This time I mean it.