I found this somewhere and it cracked me up so hard XD
HOW TO POOP AT WORK:
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
When farting, you walk really fast around the office
so the smell is not in your area and everyone gets a
whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If
there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going to the bathroom.
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This
usually is accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are standing next to the farter, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, DO
NOT PANIC. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.
This is the act of flushing the toilet the instant
the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of
air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
WALK OF SHAME:
This happens when you walk from the stall, to the
sink, and to the door after you just stunk up the
bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it
is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
This can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE
CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
a magazine under their arm. Always look around the
office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before
entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
This is the group of co-workers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
The P.F.N . group can help you monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
This is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
This is a phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in the stall. This
can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS. This can be very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in
This is a poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
This happens with a case of diarrhea that creates a
series of loud splashes in the toilet water. This is
often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
This is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This individual spends extended lengths of
time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on
the crapper. You should always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty. This will benefit you as well as
the others in the building.